I am ready for 2014. I remember being "little" and my parents would reference moments in their history where they could recall how they or society was changed. As I age, I tend to keep track of my own moments - April 19, 1995 and September 11, 2011. 2013 is a year that stole a few more pieces of my naivety about the good in people.
December 14, 2012...
I worked at a bank during my early college days and knew there was a chance for armed robberies to occur. It never scared me because ultimately I knew what to do. They could take the money and run. I never and I mean never thought as a kindergarten teacher, I would have to worry about guns at school. Of course, I know about the school shootings in middle schools, but I guess somewhere in my perfect world five and six year olds would never have to worry about getting shot at school and I would not have to contemplate the endless what ifs. The solution is not as easy as the bank robbery, but yet there are moments where I catch myself wondering what would I do because I now live (and work) in a world where I need a plan. I thought about the children on the anniversary, specifically the family of Benjmain Wheeler. We all have a Benjamin Wheeler. However, one of my nephews carries the exact name. So when my Benjamin celebrated his birthday or any milestone in 2013, I thought about the Wheeler family in Conneticut who were not as fortunate. It is not fair that they were robbed of precious milestones. When I have watched my Benjamin grow and made memories this year, my heart breaks for the family. I think the day stole a piece of my innonence but I also gained perspective on the importance of letting them be little in a world that is challenging that daily. It is easy to get lost in paperwork or drown in all the extra to do's but those are not the things children will remember or that matter.
February 2013
I have always left my classroom door unlocked at all times during the day. Remembering to lock my door in the instance of a practice lock down is not something I want to have to worry about so I just started keeping it locked at all times, taught kids to knock when they left the room, and hung a sign for visitors to knock if needed in. It is extremely unfair to have to worry about any of the above. In reality, it does not matter how many times you practice "staying safe" with children the moment where it isn't a drill hits hard. Suddenly, decision making is even more critical. How is that even possible? I learned how amazingly calm I can be to a group of children when my mind is racing and I am full of questions. Apparently, I can make a lockdown in the bathroom feel like a monumental part of a planned lesson. It is beautiful how Junie B., some leftover 100's day snacks and being packed in a bathroom like sardines can make a child's favorite part of the day. I had several parents tell me how fun their children thought that day was. I was miserable and emotionally exhausted but I felt like a success that day that my class kept their innonence.
May 20, 2013
I am an Okie. I have lived through tornado seasons, watches, and warnings my entire life. I am used to it all...or so I thought. I used to think if we made it through the first week in May then maybe we were safe. A few years ago, we had some in late May. This year, in mid May the meteorologists were talking about how dull this season had been. Leading up to that Monday, they mentioned the possibility of several super cells forming. If you aren't from Oklahoma, you might not understand how it all can change FAST. I remember my phone began receiving messages around 1:45 p.m. I do not check my phone when I am teaching but knew something was up when it was vibrating continuously. About the time, my class was cleaning up for end of day dismissal, some children were getting checked out early. I was on after school duty that day. We were to personally escort children to cars or to the person picking them up. I remember looking at how ugly the sky looked. It looked brutally angry. An Okie knows that the color of the sky tells a story. By this time, the children that were left were moved to a central location. Someone made the mistake of mentioning that the storm was tracking the May 3, 1999 track. By this point, I am just praying it will go away. If it tracks south of where it was going, it could easily come where I am currently am. My husband had left work and was in the process of going home. I wouldn't find out until much later that he made it home right before it tore through Moore, less than a mile from where we lived. I just remember feeling torn in so many emotional directions. When I finally left school, I was going home to a house that I knew was still standing and I knew my family was safe but I kept thinking about how many people lives were changed in fifteen minutes. All roads leading home were clogged with traffic. A daily fifteen minute drive took an hour and a half. I will never forget how bittersweet it was to pull into my driveway. Pictures all over the drive way did not help. It is hard not to feel guilty that you prayed for your welfare and in the meantime other people's worlds were turned upside down. Are the people in the picture safe? What's their story? Four more school days...the town in which I live was north of where I teach. They cancelled the last few days of school in Moore but I had to finish out my year. There are moments where being an adult are completely overrated. The whole week was HARD. I was heartbroken and emotionally spent but the world of teaching does not have a pause button. Those four days were hard but also uplifting. It was amazing to spend time with little ones because my heart was broken for teachers who were not as fortunate. Sometimes, I am confident that I have figured out teaching. Then there are moments that give you a slap to let you know reality is saying hello.
We were having our share time during morning meeting the following day and one of my little ones looks at me point blank and says "why did you lie to us?" I have no idea what she is talking about and so I mistakingly ask her to clarify. She says, "you told us there wasn't a tornado". There was not a college class to prepare me for that moment. Five and six year olds are literal and while there was not a tornado when she asked the day before who could have foreseen what would take place. I was speechless. I think it was perspective for how much faith their little hearts have in what we say but also how heavy their hearts were following the events. It is unfair that a five and six year old jumps when they hear thunder because they are worried it might be a tornado but that was the reality of that week. And then there are moments that can completely take all the broken pieces and slowly put them back together... In my class last year, I had a ton of siblings of former students so many families that I already had relationships with. One of my little ones lost his house because he had moved during the year. When he came back, he was sharing with the class about how he lost everything and didn't have any toys. One of my little boys I had went home and told his brother, a former student, and the former student used some of his birthday money to buy the child a new toy, one of his favorites.
While I have paid bills and held adult responsibilities for awhile, I feel as though 2013 aged me. I miss the carefree luxuries of childhood. 2013 made me a little older (and a lot wiser). I know I am better for those tough moments and maybe a little stronger. If anything, it was a reminder about how little things can turn into big moments. 2013 served a reminder about how precious time is and perspective on all that stress teachers carry. I am hopeful for a 2014 that is full of change. I say that as someone who does not always embrace change but this year I am ready. The most important lesson I learned in 2013 is to continually challenge myself to be better, to do better. So even though I do not make New Year's resolutions that is my hope for 2014.
"Build your heart an army
To defend your innocence
While you do everything wrong
Don't be scared to walk alone
Don't be scared to like it"
To defend your innocence
While you do everything wrong
Don't be scared to walk alone
Don't be scared to like it"
No comments:
Post a Comment