Heartbreak Warfare

In 2001, I was a sophomore in college and accounting was my major.  I was regularly attending classes that I absolutely did not like.  Somewhere amid the misery, I was studying at a bookstore and came across a CD (who knew those would end up dated?) called Room for Squares.  I had never heard of the artist and somehow as a girl that mostly listened to country music, I ended up with the CD and it played on repeat as I was making what would end up being big life decisions.

John Mayer always ends up on a shuffle during times of higher stress, which usually is early to mid August and May.  And yet this year, there he was at the beginning of March.  CPA's have tax season but educators have the school year.  March is a weird time for such high stress but here we sit in Oklahoma with a looming shut down awaiting unless there are decisions made by April 1, 2018.  

A little one describing this picture at student led conferences: "you can see the tape but this is our heart."

I have read articles, posts, stories, etc. explaining what needs to happen to prevent the shut down from occurring.  Inevitably, there is always a comment about how teachers choose their profession.  In 2001, when I was sitting with a course load of classes through the business college, I just could not even imagine 40+ years of crunching numbers.  I changed my major to Early Childhood Education during the middle of the semester.  I was taking Calculus II and did not even begin to understand any of it.  I continued to go to classes and somehow managed to make it through that semester - I learned more about determination than I did from the grades that ended up on the transcript.  So when people say "but teachers choose their profession", you are absolutely right, I did choose it.  I have continued to choose it over the last 13 years.  And even when the days (months or years) are HARD because believe when I say it is hard, I do not regret choosing education.

But there are plenty of things that I have not chosen...

The judgement and criticism of teaching and teachers is real.  I am human.  The teacher across the hall is human.  Teachers across town are human.  We have lives, we have personalities but most of all, we have feelings.  So often those get lost in the mix when you are dealing with absolutely everything that is on a plate during a given school day.  I make mistakes and given the amount of decisions I make in a given day (or twenty minute time period), I think I am allowed to make a few of them.  But somewhere along the way, society has deemed that we have to be perfect.  The expectations are daunting and I say that as a perfectionist.  

There is not an off button.  My dislike or disdain for the statement that teachers get ALL summer off continues to grow each year.  Most of the time, I am not even able to completely turn it off for the 48 hour weekend.  The thoughts, plans, decisions, emails, paperwork and in my case little ones do not turn off when I walk out of the school building.  I do not get to leave the building and walk back in the next morning with an unfinished pile that is the same as the one I left the day before.  The pile always grows, usually exponentially.   One of the districts in the state was talking about only working "contract hours".  There just is not a way for me to be the kind of teacher that I want to be if I only work contract hours.  My pile sits stationary when I am with children.  The only time that I get to address my to do list is before school, during my plan (ha!), or after school.  I am saying this as a reality not as a complaint.  There's also this judgement as teachers are complainers when our world is just so drastically different than 95% of most jobs.  So when people are quick to say you get ALL summer off or (insert all those other breaks), the reality is there is just a teacher somewhere working without being paid.  There's also a huge difference in that being a choice instead of an expectation.

One day during our guidance lesson, I had been sitting with this little one rubbing his back and I had to get up to take care of something else and when I came back another little one had been taking care of it.

Class sizes.  Mainstream media wants to talk about how teachers are selfish because we are demanding raises but the part that is not being reported as widely is the restoration to education funding.  I feel so very fortunate to work for a district that over the 10 years has managed to budget wisely to help classroom teachers and children not be as restricted by the amount of cuts that the state has imposed on districts year after year.  And yet, here we are 10 years after the cuts began and last August as I prepared all my beginning of the year items for my littles long before I knew who they were or how many there were, I prepared for 30.  I knew I most likely would not have 30 but just a few short years ago, I would prepare for 25 and usually end up with 19 - 20.  This year when I got my class list and saw 25 names on the list I was devastated.  There are just so many things to process at the beginning of the year and I just immediately thought how in the world am I going to manage these little bodies, build a community with them, and give them everything they begin to need with 25 of them.  My classroom is in a newer part of my school building and six years ago when it was built, they included 24 cubbies for the littles to put their backpacks and belongings.  When the building was built, they probably never imagined 25 little people being put in the room (my district probably did not either).  

This is the biggest choice that I did not make.  After 126ish days with them in the classroom, I cannot imagine life without any of them.  We ended up starting with only 24 children, only. I gained my 25th in early October and had a little one move at Winter Break.  I currently have 24 little bodies that make up my community.  I cannot even tell you how we got to this point in the school year because sometimes I feel like the newborn mama that is not getting enough sleep.  Typically, I start my beginning of the year going to bed early and as the year progresses, I can build up my stamina by staying up later.  In October, I realized I was still sleeping like a beginning of the year school year and here it is March and the same is true.  I know that class size impacts learning but I directly feel how it has impacted me as a teacher this year.

Solving the world's problems: otherwise known as recess disputes

Last year, I ended the year with 23 students but ending with 23 and starting with 24 are two very different things.  I have sticks with student names on them for calling on, taking turns, etc.  Last year, they were arguing about who got to sit by me at morning and closing meeting, it was completely their idea to use the sticks.  I hated that we never got away from that and then this year, as they were struggling because they all wanted to sit next to me, the sticks just became the go to.  It's a simple instance of how something that really bothered me to no end last year about my classroom community was so easily accepted this year.  And yet, I just cannot begin to take ownership of it.  I find myself randomly not picking name sticks when I can slide it in and forcing them to live without it.  And somewhere along the way, through our talks of fair vs. equal, I have a couple of little ones who still take turns sitting in my lap at morning and closing meeting and it's so easily accepted by the other 22.  It is not even close to being fair but we have community.  These littles so deeply understand having grace and compassion for others, they are some of the best at forgiving and seeing the beauty in our differences and it still does not seem to be fair that they have to settle for name sticks.  

One day close to Winter Break, we were coming inside to begin our closing meeting before we ended the day and this year it has been a hard transition of getting to the carpet and sitting in a circle quickly so we can begin to share our favorite part of the day.  Not to mention, not talking when it is someone else's turn or getting up to blow your nose, go the bathroom, or just name a different distraction.  It was a random day when we were really struggling in my eyes and a WATCH Dog (male volunteer) comes into deliver a note about a child's transportation home and he asked how many children were in the class and I said 24.  He said, "well I teach a class at church this age and there are 4 helpers and we only have 10 kids."  It was a bittersweet compliment.  Here he is thinking about how we have it all together and I just know what it could look like.  

My heart: when a little one comes back to say hi or get a hug!

And when my mind goes there, it is not simply about what morning or closing meeting looks like but how as their teacher, I am faced with meeting their academic and social emotional needs.  No problem, right?  Except that with every little one, different needs present themselves.  There are years where I have had 18 little ones where I have not felt like I could adequately meet their needs but here I am juggling 24 dynamic little personalities with 24 different needs in reading, writing, (insert every academic standard or subject) and that's before you even get to the matters of the heart.  18 divided by 1 or 24 divided by 1?  Which gives you the smaller ratio.  Class size matters to all of it.  My mind continually pivots between knowing that the 24 littles in my room - deserve 110% and worrying that if I make that 110% look easy then I am inevitably allowing politicians to say it can be done.    And why, oh why, is that something that should be my concern?  So here we are, my morning drives filled with thoughts about how I just need my best for them and what that looks like for each of them. Because it looks differently for every single one of them and my heart is always divided in making the best decision for each of them.  

Somewhere along the way I took the load that the politicians and decision makers should have been carrying through budget cuts and revenue failures upon my shoulders through grant writing (thanks Donor's Choose), purchased school supplies, Christmas presents for little ones that will never know all while working at a school that has amazing district and PTA support.   There are just so many things going on behind the scenes that the public and politicians do not even begin to see.  Whether I chose education or it chose me, should not determine the type of working conditions that teachers are faced with.

About a month ago, as I was setting up the book I was about to read and telling the littles about their comprehension work that I wanted them to do during the read aloud, a little one interrupts and says, "Mrs. Pogue, how do you remember everything?" to which I smiled and he continued, "what you want us to learn, do, you know everything?"  It's those moments, that remind me why a profession that is laced with hard decisions is absolutely so easy to choose, even against all the hidden agendas, propaganda, and politicians.  If a five year old can sense and see how our lessons, days, and year is wound together with intention, why are some adults so hard to convince?

A student's free write after we finished interactive writing:  "Mrs. Pogue, this is you teaching us about vowels."  

I would love a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t and a pay raise would be amazing.  Teachers make HARD decisions all day long, day in and day out.  I believe that Oklahoma students deserve a state and a legislature to choose them just like educators have been doing over the last decade.  

"Good to know it's all a game, disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak warfare"

Truth & Teaching

Everyone wants to talk about teacher pay and raises, and that's fine and dandy but I'd also like to talk about the budget and revenue short falls.  Because do I think the teacher pay in Oklahoma matters, absolutely, but I also think the circumstances in which our state is asking us to teach matters too, if not more.  Those teacher shortages are related to pay but they are also related to the budget.  As I write this, I could not even begin to tell you the numbers and I do not know the answer either, maybe that's why I didn't last as an accounting major despite the number of business hours on my transcript upon graduation.  I do know my classroom though and for the last two years, I know the number of children in my classroom, 25.  

Same number of children but slightly different circumstances, last year I began the year with 22, built my little community and most of the time, we had 24 little learners. Six weeks out from the end of the year, we welcomed number 25.  Finishing the year with 25 is slightly different than starting with that many.

I spent the summer praying for little ones who I had yet to know names of and prepared for 30, fully expecting to be happy if my year began with 25.  We started with 24 and welcomed 25 just last week.  Before I continue, let me preface this to say as I write this, I cannot imagine room 29 without a single one of them.  They have big personalities and big emotions and we have so, so far to go before May but I love every single one of them and the community we are building.  I believe they are mine for a reason and I will work my tail off building a community that embraces all of them, our flaws and our strengths but all the while thinking the state is asking too much of me.  A state that has really high expectations for me as an educator while the people making decisions that directly impact my classroom and my students are failing everyone involved.

A picture of one of my favorite little ones, my youngest nephew exploring a dollie.  When I think about education in Oklahoma, class sizes, budget cuts, etc.  He is never far from the picture.  Every little one deserves a teacher who can carry the load that they are given in any year.  

Everyone has an opinion about class size.  Some wonder if it really matters.  Some might even say those really great teachers, it should not matter.  But here I am telling you from personal experience that it absolutely matters, it matters to them and it matters to me.  I have done this for 12.25 years and with a variety of needs and class sizes. When I look at this group, I cannot help but be disappointed for them, it's a lot for me (and someone somewhere is going to say here's just another teacher complaining) but it's a lot for them too. When I say wait, I mean it a bit more this year.  Just a couple of weeks ago, as my patience was stretched because every single one of them wants to sit by me at closing meeting and only two can, I had to be so honest with them.  "There just isn't enough of me." "Wouldn't it be nice if there was one Mrs. Pogue for every five of us?" "Forget that, how about one for each of us." Out of the mouth of babes, so we have resorted to pulling sticks for taking turns to sit by their teacher.  I have one little one who is still struggling with that and so I just broke down one day on the way home because it doesn't feel like I am meeting her needs or teaching her how to self regulate but at the same time, I am asking these littles for Grace for myself.  I didn't make choices that led us here, neither did my district but here we are.  Oklahoma, this one is yours. 

Here I sit with one of my tools to help the little ones wait is a picture of myself on a first...then task card.  It seems simple but...

I finished my assessment for the end of the nine weeks last week and so I know with all my experience through the years, I can juggle the academics. I don't know how but we'll get there. I can plan for the finish line so easily but the academics are not what scares me, it's the education of their hearts that really bothers me.  I'm always wanting more for all of them, for the ones who do not get it at home, for the ones that always sit quietly and wait patiently, and for this group who does not know this is normal.  Class size matters to every, single, one of them.  

I feel stretched beyond measure most days and have struggled with how to be my best so I can do my best for them. Here's another thing that really eats at my heart, this isn't my first rodeo. I worry about those first year teachers who haven't seen how much a little one can change and grow in one year because of the cultivation of a relationship with their teacher. 

In the teacher world, relationships with students and families is harped upon as being the biggest predictor of success. I know it, I believe it. I just don't know if I live and work in a state that does. A pay raise would be welcomed but a state that invests in it's children through it's budget and class size is also an investment that needs to be looked into. 

The days are long right now but sometimes on the hardest days you get love notes "I luf Ms. PK = I love Mrs. Pogue".  The teacher in me thanks how sweet for one minute then looks at all the phonetic things this note tells me about this child's development.  Three o'clock rolls around and while our contract time might expire, we're usually thinking about what's next for the little ones, 25 of them means that our minds are constantly thinking about how there are 25 personalities, 25 different literacy learners, 25 different mathematicians...and 25 different hearts and on and on.

I love picture books.  I am guilty of telling the little ones during a book introduction "this is one of my favorites" then later in the year they will call me on it by saying "you have so many favorites".  This year, one of the books we read was I Wish You More then we established our wishes for Kindergarten.  As I am helping the children in my class think about what their wishes (hopes and dreams) are for our year, I was thinking about my own - my wishes for this class and for education in Oklahoma.  I just wish for more...and I think every little one deserves someone who wishes that for them.