Five Things I Learned in 2015

It's that time of the year --- time for the obligatory end of the year post about all the things one might have accomplished in 365 days.  So here goes...

In college during my early childhood fundamental courses, we learned about theories from Piaget and Vygotsky.  We spent a great deal of time learning about the theories and how it impacts our instruction as educators and in turn the development of lessons that contribute to student learning.  Piaget believes that our background knowledge helps us take in new information because we assimilate it with something we already know.  Disequilibrium occurs when our new information does not fit our schema.  Piaget's theory revolves around the fact that in order for learning to occur, disequilibrium has to exist because that is how growth and change occur.

I have thought about his theory countless times throughout the year, especially the first half. 2015 was hard, in January, my brother and I were joking about could it be 2016 yet?  And in less than 36 hours, it will be.  As I think about the hardships of the year, the moments of disequilibrium, I am absolutely ready to file 2015 away as a finished chapter in a book but I want to remember the hardships because Piaget was right, it creates growth.

1.  Time

There is never enough.  Somewhere along the line, you stop counting years even with passing birthdays and you think you have forever and then you get brutal reminders that is just not the case.  I thought graduate school and my first year of teaching was the best teacher of time management but it turns out teaching amid real life, the ugliest parts, will help you manage life better than you ever thought you could.  I have learned to really prioritize the use of my time.

2.  Just Say No...

Before 2015 began, I had told myself I was going to work on saying no without giving a reason for it.  I am really guilty of volunteering myself for tasks because I feel guilty that no one else is stepping up to the plate.  Since time is fleeting and no one has figured out how to press pause or put any more hours in the day, saying no is imperative.  Things happened that made it relatively easy to say no, priorities and all, but I think those events helped me realize the importance of saying no to take care of myself and those I love is necessary all the time not just in emergencies.

3.  Life is Sticky

Life is messy and ugly.  I learned a lot about having patience and grace in those messy and ugly moments.  I have no patience for standing in line at the grocery store, waiting at the dentist or doctor, or "killing time".  It stems from my type A, let's get things done attitude.  There were lots of bigger moments of waiting where I felt like my patience was tried and I wanted to throw down the biggest tantrum from pure exhaustion of life.  I really tried to use these moments to train my heart and mind to be kind, find joy, and be patient.  I still absolutely struggle with the waiting game, and yes I know everyone hates waiting, but I learned during those moments of interlude to really embrace life even in the stickiest of moments.

4.  Grace for Myself

I am a go getter.  It is in my blood.  I make to do lists to cross things off because it feels good to get stuff done.  People will give me a hard time for it and I will let them because I have embraced that it is who I am.  Sometimes, I envy the people who have a pile of things they want to get done and ignore it.  Life taught me to ignore the piles this year.  Here is the most shocking part, they did not move!  I learned that it is okay to have a pile or piles of things I did not get to in a given day (or week) because it will wait.  Rome was not built in a day and I learned that it is okay if I do not get it all done in a given day.  As my harshest critic, I learned how important it is to have grace for myself.

5.  "You Do You"

This was the harshest lesson for my sensitive heart.  I really go through life expecting the same of people as I do of myself.  I learned that you just cannot do that.  I have struggled with wanting to be bitter and angry when people did not reciprocate in a manner that I would have liked or maybe expected.  I have learned that everyone has a different heart and a different approach.  People show they care in different ways.  It has made me examine my relationships and the depth at which I give of myself in various relationships. For a people pleasing, sensitive, emotional girl this has been hard.  There were times in the year where I wanted to be bitter or angry at people ---actions and words or lack there of--- are hurtful.  I have really had to train myself to be graceful with people but only to the extent of taking care of myself.  It is expected that we are all different but it does not mean that I have to continue to extend myself for someone who is not willing to do the same for me.  I have learned to set limits as a giver, "because takers rarely do" but at the same time really give, my time, presence, and words with those are who are willing to receive such simplicity with the utmost love and joy.  

I am completely grateful for every person who throughout the season of disequilibrium understood my sadness and joy but more importantly approached my heart with complete understanding.

I have mixed feelings about ringing in the new year.  I am ready for a new beginning but I am thankful for even the ugliest days in 2015 because they taught me some important lessons.  I think the lessons have made me a better person and in turn a better teacher.  I worried all summer long about my little ones from last year --- could they tell how emotionally spent I was on even the best day, how my smile at times was forced, or how my sunglasses sometimes hid tears during recess.  Those firsties are my biggest cheerleaders on a bad day --- I get countless number of hugs at the end of the day dismissal, hallway hellos, and one little one came down to the kindergarten hallway during the day and said, "I snuck down here just to see you". 

I think we would all be a little bit better off if we continually approached life like the little ones.  So in 2016, that's one of my goals, to continue to focus on the littlest moments and to love people deeply to the best of my ability.  At closing meeting each day, we talk through the day's events and then children get to decide their favorite part of the day.  Ten and a half year's into this teaching gig, it is still fills my heart with supreme joy when above all the fun and excitement, they say "spending time with you".  Here's to being present in 2016 and making the most of even the ugly moments.

"And suddenly it's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings"

The Age of Worry

I am not a fan of New Year's resolutions.  I have yet to meet someone who makes them and keeps them.  As a child, there was something magical about the ball dropping and getting a fresh start.  I am a sentimental girl so it is sometimes hard for me to be ready to venture into the new year, the unknown, while reminiscing about the old.  Each year steals pieces of ourselves in exchange of memories that we will either cherish or curse.

I am ready for 2014.  I remember being "little" and my parents would reference moments in their history where they could recall how they or society was changed.  As I age, I tend to keep track of my own moments - April 19, 1995 and September 11, 2011.  2013 is a year that stole a few more pieces of my  naivety about the good in people.

December 14, 2012...

I worked at a bank during my early college days and knew there was a chance for armed robberies to occur. It never scared me because ultimately I knew what to do.  They could take the money and run.   I never and I mean never thought as a kindergarten teacher, I would have to worry about guns at school.  Of course, I know about the school shootings in middle schools, but I guess somewhere in my perfect world five and six year olds would never have to worry about getting shot at school and I would not have to contemplate the endless what ifs. The solution is not as easy as the bank robbery, but yet there are moments where I catch myself wondering what would I do because I now live (and work) in a world where I need a plan.  I thought about the children on the anniversary, specifically the family of Benjmain Wheeler.  We all have a Benjamin Wheeler.  However, one of my nephews carries the exact name.  So when my Benjamin celebrated his birthday or any milestone in 2013, I thought about the Wheeler family in Conneticut who were not as fortunate.  It is not fair that they were robbed of precious milestones. When I have watched my Benjamin grow and made memories this year, my heart breaks for the family.  I think the day stole a piece of my innonence but I also gained perspective on the importance of letting them be little in a world that is challenging that daily.  It is easy to get lost in paperwork or drown in all the extra to do's but those are not the things children will remember or that matter.

February 2013

I have always left my classroom door unlocked at all times during the day.  Remembering to lock my door in the instance of a practice lock down is not something I want to have to worry about so I just started keeping it locked at all times, taught kids to knock when they left the room, and hung a sign for visitors to knock if needed in.  It is extremely unfair to have to worry about any of the above.  In reality, it does not matter how many times you practice "staying safe" with children the moment where it isn't a drill hits hard.  Suddenly, decision making is even more critical.  How is that even possible?  I learned how amazingly calm I can be to a group of children when my mind is racing and I am full of questions.  Apparently, I can make a lockdown in the bathroom feel like a monumental part of a planned lesson.  It is beautiful how Junie B., some leftover 100's day snacks and being packed in a bathroom like sardines can make a child's favorite part of the day.  I had several parents tell me how fun their children thought that day was.  I was miserable and emotionally exhausted but I felt like a success that day that my class kept their innonence.

May 20, 2013

I am an Okie.  I have lived through tornado seasons, watches, and warnings my entire life.  I am used to it all...or so I thought.  I used to think if we made it through the first week in May then maybe we were safe.  A few years ago, we had some in late May.  This year, in mid May the meteorologists were talking about how dull this season had been.  Leading up to that Monday, they mentioned the possibility of several super cells forming.  If you aren't from Oklahoma, you might not understand how it all can change FAST.  I remember my phone began receiving messages around 1:45 p.m.  I do not check my phone when I am teaching but knew something was up when it was vibrating continuously.  About the time, my class was cleaning up for end of day dismissal, some children were getting checked out early.  I was on after school duty that day.  We were to personally escort children to cars or to the person picking them up.  I remember looking at how ugly the sky looked.  It looked brutally angry.  An Okie knows that the color of the sky tells a story.  By this time, the children that were left were moved to a central location.  Someone made the mistake of mentioning that the storm was tracking the May 3, 1999 track.  By this point, I am just praying it will go away.  If it tracks south of where it was going, it could easily come where I am currently am.  My husband had left work and was in the process of going home.  I wouldn't find out until much later that he made it home right before it tore through Moore, less than a mile from where we lived.  I just remember feeling torn in so many emotional directions.  When I finally left school, I was going home to a house that I knew was still standing and I knew my family was safe but I kept thinking about how many people lives were changed in fifteen minutes.  All roads leading home were clogged with traffic.  A daily fifteen minute drive took an hour and a half.  I will never forget how bittersweet it was to pull into my driveway.  Pictures all over the drive way did not help.  It is hard not to feel guilty that you prayed for your welfare and in the meantime other people's worlds were turned upside down.  Are the people in the picture safe? What's their story?  Four more school days...the town in which I live was north of where I teach.  They cancelled the last few days of school in Moore but I had to finish out my year.  There are moments where being an adult are completely overrated.  The whole week was HARD.   I was heartbroken and emotionally spent but the world of teaching does not have a pause button.  Those four days were hard but also uplifting.  It was amazing to spend time with little ones because my heart was broken for teachers who were not as fortunate.  Sometimes, I am confident that I have figured out teaching.  Then there are moments that give you a slap to let you know reality is saying hello.

We were having our share time during morning meeting the following day and one of my little ones looks at me point blank and says "why did you lie to us?"  I have no idea what she is talking about and so I mistakingly ask her to clarify.  She says, "you told us there wasn't a tornado".  There was not a college class to prepare me for that moment.  Five and six year olds are literal and while there was not a tornado when she asked the day before who could have foreseen what would take place.  I was speechless.  I think it was perspective for how much faith their little hearts have in what we say but also how heavy their hearts were following the events.  It is unfair that a five and six year old jumps when they hear thunder because they are worried it might be a tornado but that was the reality of that week.  And then there are moments that can completely take all the broken pieces and slowly put them back together...  In my class last year, I had a ton of siblings of former students so many families that I already had relationships with.  One of my little ones lost his house because he had moved during the year.  When he came back, he was sharing with the class about how he lost everything and didn't have any toys.  One of my little boys I had went home and told his brother, a former student, and the former student used some of his birthday money to buy the child a new toy, one of his favorites.

While I have paid bills and held adult responsibilities for awhile, I feel as though 2013 aged me.  I miss the carefree luxuries of childhood.  2013 made me a little older (and a lot wiser).  I know I am better for those tough moments and maybe a little stronger.  If anything, it was a reminder about how little things can turn into big moments.  2013 served a reminder about how precious time is and perspective on all that stress teachers carry.  I am hopeful for a 2014 that is full of change.  I say that as someone who does not always embrace change but this year I am ready.  The most important lesson I learned in 2013 is to continually challenge myself to be better, to do better.  So even though I do not make New Year's resolutions that is my hope for 2014.

"Build your heart an army
To defend your innocence
While you do everything wrong
Don't be scared to walk alone
Don't be scared to like it"