John Mayer always ends up on a shuffle during times of higher stress, which usually is early to mid August and May. And yet this year, there he was at the beginning of March. CPA's have tax season but educators have the school year. March is a weird time for such high stress but here we sit in Oklahoma with a looming shut down awaiting unless there are decisions made by April 1, 2018.
A little one describing this picture at student led conferences: "you can see the tape but this is our heart."
But there are plenty of things that I have not chosen...
The judgement and criticism of teaching and teachers is real. I am human. The teacher across the hall is human. Teachers across town are human. We have lives, we have personalities but most of all, we have feelings. So often those get lost in the mix when you are dealing with absolutely everything that is on a plate during a given school day. I make mistakes and given the amount of decisions I make in a given day (or twenty minute time period), I think I am allowed to make a few of them. But somewhere along the way, society has deemed that we have to be perfect. The expectations are daunting and I say that as a perfectionist.
There is not an off button. My dislike or disdain for the statement that teachers get ALL summer off continues to grow each year. Most of the time, I am not even able to completely turn it off for the 48 hour weekend. The thoughts, plans, decisions, emails, paperwork and in my case little ones do not turn off when I walk out of the school building. I do not get to leave the building and walk back in the next morning with an unfinished pile that is the same as the one I left the day before. The pile always grows, usually exponentially. One of the districts in the state was talking about only working "contract hours". There just is not a way for me to be the kind of teacher that I want to be if I only work contract hours. My pile sits stationary when I am with children. The only time that I get to address my to do list is before school, during my plan (ha!), or after school. I am saying this as a reality not as a complaint. There's also this judgement as teachers are complainers when our world is just so drastically different than 95% of most jobs. So when people are quick to say you get ALL summer off or (insert all those other breaks), the reality is there is just a teacher somewhere working without being paid. There's also a huge difference in that being a choice instead of an expectation.
One day during our guidance lesson, I had been sitting with this little one rubbing his back and I had to get up to take care of something else and when I came back another little one had been taking care of it.
Class sizes. Mainstream media wants to talk about how teachers are selfish because we are demanding raises but the part that is not being reported as widely is the restoration to education funding. I feel so very fortunate to work for a district that over the 10 years has managed to budget wisely to help classroom teachers and children not be as restricted by the amount of cuts that the state has imposed on districts year after year. And yet, here we are 10 years after the cuts began and last August as I prepared all my beginning of the year items for my littles long before I knew who they were or how many there were, I prepared for 30. I knew I most likely would not have 30 but just a few short years ago, I would prepare for 25 and usually end up with 19 - 20. This year when I got my class list and saw 25 names on the list I was devastated. There are just so many things to process at the beginning of the year and I just immediately thought how in the world am I going to manage these little bodies, build a community with them, and give them everything they begin to need with 25 of them. My classroom is in a newer part of my school building and six years ago when it was built, they included 24 cubbies for the littles to put their backpacks and belongings. When the building was built, they probably never imagined 25 little people being put in the room (my district probably did not either).
This is the biggest choice that I did not make. After 126ish days with them in the classroom, I cannot imagine life without any of them. We ended up starting with only 24 children, only. I gained my 25th in early October and had a little one move at Winter Break. I currently have 24 little bodies that make up my community. I cannot even tell you how we got to this point in the school year because sometimes I feel like the newborn mama that is not getting enough sleep. Typically, I start my beginning of the year going to bed early and as the year progresses, I can build up my stamina by staying up later. In October, I realized I was still sleeping like a beginning of the year school year and here it is March and the same is true. I know that class size impacts learning but I directly feel how it has impacted me as a teacher this year.
Solving the world's problems: otherwise known as recess disputes
Last year, I ended the year with 23 students but ending with 23 and starting with 24 are two very different things. I have sticks with student names on them for calling on, taking turns, etc. Last year, they were arguing about who got to sit by me at morning and closing meeting, it was completely their idea to use the sticks. I hated that we never got away from that and then this year, as they were struggling because they all wanted to sit next to me, the sticks just became the go to. It's a simple instance of how something that really bothered me to no end last year about my classroom community was so easily accepted this year. And yet, I just cannot begin to take ownership of it. I find myself randomly not picking name sticks when I can slide it in and forcing them to live without it. And somewhere along the way, through our talks of fair vs. equal, I have a couple of little ones who still take turns sitting in my lap at morning and closing meeting and it's so easily accepted by the other 22. It is not even close to being fair but we have community. These littles so deeply understand having grace and compassion for others, they are some of the best at forgiving and seeing the beauty in our differences and it still does not seem to be fair that they have to settle for name sticks.
One day close to Winter Break, we were coming inside to begin our closing meeting before we ended the day and this year it has been a hard transition of getting to the carpet and sitting in a circle quickly so we can begin to share our favorite part of the day. Not to mention, not talking when it is someone else's turn or getting up to blow your nose, go the bathroom, or just name a different distraction. It was a random day when we were really struggling in my eyes and a WATCH Dog (male volunteer) comes into deliver a note about a child's transportation home and he asked how many children were in the class and I said 24. He said, "well I teach a class at church this age and there are 4 helpers and we only have 10 kids." It was a bittersweet compliment. Here he is thinking about how we have it all together and I just know what it could look like.
My heart: when a little one comes back to say hi or get a hug!
And when my mind goes there, it is not simply about what morning or closing meeting looks like but how as their teacher, I am faced with meeting their academic and social emotional needs. No problem, right? Except that with every little one, different needs present themselves. There are years where I have had 18 little ones where I have not felt like I could adequately meet their needs but here I am juggling 24 dynamic little personalities with 24 different needs in reading, writing, (insert every academic standard or subject) and that's before you even get to the matters of the heart. 18 divided by 1 or 24 divided by 1? Which gives you the smaller ratio. Class size matters to all of it. My mind continually pivots between knowing that the 24 littles in my room - deserve 110% and worrying that if I make that 110% look easy then I am inevitably allowing politicians to say it can be done. And why, oh why, is that something that should be my concern? So here we are, my morning drives filled with thoughts about how I just need my best for them and what that looks like for each of them. Because it looks differently for every single one of them and my heart is always divided in making the best decision for each of them.
Somewhere along the way I took the load that the politicians and decision makers should have been carrying through budget cuts and revenue failures upon my shoulders through grant writing (thanks Donor's Choose), purchased school supplies, Christmas presents for little ones that will never know all while working at a school that has amazing district and PTA support. There are just so many things going on behind the scenes that the public and politicians do not even begin to see. Whether I chose education or it chose me, should not determine the type of working conditions that teachers are faced with.
About a month ago, as I was setting up the book I was about to read and telling the littles about their comprehension work that I wanted them to do during the read aloud, a little one interrupts and says, "Mrs. Pogue, how do you remember everything?" to which I smiled and he continued, "what you want us to learn, do, you know everything?" It's those moments, that remind me why a profession that is laced with hard decisions is absolutely so easy to choose, even against all the hidden agendas, propaganda, and politicians. If a five year old can sense and see how our lessons, days, and year is wound together with intention, why are some adults so hard to convince?
A student's free write after we finished interactive writing: "Mrs. Pogue, this is you teaching us about vowels."
I would love a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t and a pay raise would be amazing. Teachers make HARD decisions all day long, day in and day out. I believe that Oklahoma students deserve a state and a legislature to choose them just like educators have been doing over the last decade.
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