I am not quite sure where Summer has gone but it is almost mid July and it still feels as though the calendar should say a single digit in June.
Summer is my time for my introvert, stressed out self to recharge and regroup. There are very few times in life where I let myself just let go. It is a downfall to be wound so tight all the time but also fuels who I am. I usually give myself June and by this time I want to have everything ready for next year. June is usually the month where I tackle two to several professional development reads as I think back upon the year that I just finished and as I look forward to the one that awaits.
I have done little to no professional reading and while I have some glorious to do piles and have a few things ready here and there, mostly I have a million and one things to do in the next month (just like every other teacher in the nation).
At the end of May when I am usually picking out my professional development reads or rereads, I took on something for my personal development. As separate as the two worlds, personal and professional, affect each other without intention.
A little background knowledge...
I am tender hearted. I take things way too personally, 99% of the time, even when it is not meant to be. It is both a character flaw and strength. It makes living life extremely hard in some instances but in teaching, it makes me a really great teacher (totally my opinion). The first six months of this year where probably the hardest of my lifetime. While that season of life is "over", my heart is still very much in recovery. My already tender hearted was smashed and shattered into a million pieces and throughout living life and the day to day ramifications, I am still very much trying to put the pieces back together.
When I was younger, in physical education, I was always compared to my younger and much faster brother. I was the slower mile runner in school. Those comparisons and constant ragging stayed with me for years. In third grade, during our mile run on the blacktop, I bit it and have a deep scar on my knee from the experience. Add in the grade level embarrassment and the only scar was not on my knee. After that year, I made it a point to not even try to compete with my brother's time. Those experiences and continual ragging from physical education teachers, even in good faith, left me viewing running as something that just was not for me. In addition, I grouped being fit and healthy in that package.
Everyone has that one thing that holds them back, the storm cloud over their head, mountain that they'll never climb. A couple of weeks ago at a teaching event, we were asked to write about our Grand Canyon. For years, it was athleticism and I have somewhat overcome that with walking but running, no way. I am not a runner. Running is my Grand Canyon. For many reasons, I am not fast, I do not have the body for it, I worry about how much I sweat, my appearance as I run, and the list could go on and on. At the end of the day, those are all just excuses. Running has been the one thing that I have never tried to tackle because I have bought into the belief that if I am not good at it, that why should I even try.
With some encouragement from some friends and colleagues, I began the Couch to 5K program at the beginning of June. This experience has taken the place of my professional development reading and given me some insights into teaching (and myself).
Week 1 -
The program starts off with around 8 very short runs, 1 minute and you walk for 2 minutes after each run. After that first run, I was so sore. My muscles hurt. It would have been really, really easy to just give in and give up after that very first "run". I had walked on the treadmill for almost 3 years so in my mind, I should have been in better shape for that week.
What about the little ones or not so little ones that come to us with their baggage in August? Everyone is battling our Grand Canyons. How do I help even the 5 and 6 year old who already has that mountain they believe they cannot climb?
Honestly, in that first week when I was struggling, I kept thinking about my stamina and how I encourage my little ones in those early days of Daily 5 when they are struggling to maintain a minute of independent reading. A minute of independent reading is nothing for me but that minute of running, I better understand why some of these children struggle in those early days.
Week 2 -
I did okay during this week. Early in the week when I transitioned to running for a minute and a half and then walking in between those, I would burn myself out. A lady talks you through each run and walk. As soon as she would say it was time for the run, I would go as fast as I could and think to myself the faster I go the faster I will be done. I soon found out that I was burning myself out with my speed so that I was not able to finish the runs. I learned a lot about pace this week.
Pace is a critical component of teaching. If we go too fast, some might miss it. If we go too slow, there are behavior issues. In teaching and in life, balance is important. I realized that it is probably not one of my strengths. I go at life hard sometimes and burn myself out. I look at the bigger picture more often than the day to day moments and while that big picture is important, I have learned so much about those small moments over this year.
Week 3 -
I started this week about a month ago and I am still on it. The first time I ran this week, I about died. I pictured myself lying on the street out of breath or how a car sputters when it is almost out of gas - that was me. The lesson of pace and balance the week before was critical. I decided early on that I would just repeat the week which is hard. Everyone wants to be moving forward, not standing still. However, I also decided that it was better for me to feel comfortable with my runs and even own my weaknesses before I could move on to the next week and have any kind of success. There were continual moments of wanting to give up and say "well I tried".
I hesitantly began the week 3 repeat on an early weekend morning. Mosquitoes love me and for whatever reason when I got ready for run 1 of the repeat, I did not spray. Amid my 4 runs, 2 - 1 and half minutes, 2 - 3 minute runs, mosquitoes were swarming my legs. So I spent the run swatting and trying to do my best to finish. When I began run 2 of the repeat, I had my hair up and out of my face but amid the run, it had started to fall. I spent that run adjusting my hair and in the process losing my hair tie. The rest of that run was devoted to avoiding hair in my face and just making it back home.
I learned about distractions during the second week of week 3. Again, it would have been really easy to give up. I was beyond frustrated with my lack of successes and how the distractions affected my runs.
I began wondering about the frustration of so many students that walk into school and we expect things of them when they just are not yet ready or built to do them. How do I help the little ones overcome their Grand Canyon when they might not even yet know what it is?
I still feel overwhelmed in life quite often, probably always will, but running has become an outlet for dealing with the day to day stress. The whole process of trying to be a runner (and it is very much a process), has taught me about myself, personally and professionally. As much as running is a process, so is teaching. Ultimately, I do not want to be a girl or teacher who has Grand Canyon fears.
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